Moments of Always 4: Making Choices
by Castle Season 9
Summary: Captain Beckett returns to work after Lily is born, only to find there are more changes –and choices – than she anticipated. Written by madcrafter72 for the Castle Season 9 "Moments of Always" project.


**Moments of Always**

"Moments of Always" is a series of short stories describing single "moments" in the lives of the Castle Season 9 characters, in the first year after Lily's birth.

These stories have been written by various authors and curated/edited by members of the Castle Season 9 team.  
Each story stands alone as its own "universe" - they are **not** intended to present a continuous narrative. They are **not** being posted in chronological order.  
Think of them as little snapshots of "what might have been."

We hope you enjoy them!

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 **Moments of Always: Making Choices**  
Written by madcrafter72  
Editing/Beta by The-KLF

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Kate finally allowed her shoulders to slump as she closed the loft door with her back. When she stepped out of her heeled boots, she let out an audible sigh, and kicked them to the side so no one would trip over them. It wasn't late – just after 7 pm – but she felt like the day had been too long. A year ago, she would – well, no, a year ago she was recovering from two gunshot wounds and dealing with a high-risk pregnancy, so bed time was not long after dark. Two years ago, 7 pm would have been time to perhaps consider some dinner, home time being closer to midnight when there was an active case. But since Lily was born and Kate returned to work, she had done her best to come home at a decent hour, regardless of what her teams were working on.

Lily had just turned 4 months, and some people may have thought that was too early for Kate to return to work, even her friend Lanie pushing for her to take the full 6 months. It had actually become a bone of contention between them, and it prevented Kate fully appreciating the weekly phone calls with her best friend, who was settling into life in Louisiana. But Kate had felt she needed to get back to the precinct, back to her job and prove to herself – and everyone else – that she could still do it.

She had missed the thrill of solving cases, of being in control. Being a new mother, she felt she was the furthest from in control she'd ever been. Thank god for Rick, who had been through the newborn parenting thing before, even if it was over two decades earlier. He had been a deep sleeper, but since Lily arrived in their lives his whole body was attuned to their little girl, awake at whatever time she started to fuss and on his way to see to her needs before Kate could even raise her arms.

He would bring her to Kate for feedings, baby in one arm and feeding pillow in the other, then get Kate a drink for afterwards. He changed almost all Lily's diapers, putting her back into her cot after the night time feeds, or walking her around during the day, whispering made-up stories about people he could see through the picture windows. Kate had tried a few times to share the load with him, but Rick would just argue that his working hours were flexible, while she had to get up early for 1PP meetings and shouldn't have her sleep disturbed more than it already was when he was there to help out. He was so stubborn about it, he made it a condition of her return to work that he do the night feeds and changes.

Still standing with her back to the door, she noticed the loft was particularly quiet and dim. The kitchen light was on, and above the stairway, but the TV was dark and she could see only shadows through Rick's office to their bedroom. She wondered for a moment where they were, but knew that if Rick had left the loft he would have texted her, and she had told him she was coming home. She made her way up the stairs towards the nursery, and could hear Rick's voice quietly murmuring as she approached, although she couldn't make out the words yet. Not wanting to startle either of them, she slowly eased her head around the door, but Rick must have heard her because his eyes were already trained on hers.

He was sitting in the big rocking chair, Lily swaddled and resting on his chest, her tiny face in perfect repose. Just seeing her little family released the last of the tension in Kate's body, and her smile was wide as she made her way over to him. She had been prepared for a feed as soon as she got home, but she could see an empty bottle at Rick's feet, and figured Lily hadn't wanted to wait. This was confirmed when Rick caught her eye as it travelled back up to him from the ground, and he mouthed 'sorry' at her. Kate just shrugged, she would express and have more milk for Rick to use next time.

He started to stand, and Kate reached out to take Lily, but Rick just shook his head, one large hand cradling her head and back to his chest while the other pushed up from the armrest. He came straight to her, cuddled her in his free arm with their daughter in between, and placed a kiss on Kate's forehead before heading to the cot. Once Lily was settled and the baby monitor on, they made their way downstairs in silence, only then did Rick gather Kate into his arms again, and give her a proper welcome home kiss. He was always telling her how much he loved being a stay-at-home dad with Lily, but Kate knew he missed her just as much as she missed working at the precinct with him, and they made sure to reconnect each and every night once she came home – it was another of his 'conditions' for her return to work, and she had made sure they had the opportunity every night in the last three weeks since her official start date.

When Rick released her, he glanced down at her chest, and smirked a little as he saw the leak through her nursing bra. Kate smirked right back at him, her eyes telling him it was all his fault, which of course wasn't true, but he was already reaching into the fridge for a bottle of water, then gently tugging her towards the bedroom where the breast pump was. Kate felt a little like an invalid because Rick did everything for her. He pushed her gently to sit against the headboard, lifted her legs onto the bed and plumped the pillows up around her, making sure she was fully comfortable while she was expressing. Kate sighed, and via their usual silent communication let him know that he didn't need to coddle her like this. His only response was a smile and a shrug as he headed back to the kitchen to prepare her dinner.

As Kate finished one side and moved to the other, she smiled at herself and her more recent reactions to Rick's attentions. She used to hate being coddled by anyone, and in the early years of their relationship it would cause fights when she couldn't stand his hovering. Now, with so much of both their time taken up with their daughter, she enjoyed his undivided attention and even revelled in it. She missed them both so much while she was at work, it was almost a physical pain. Rick had brought Lily into the precinct once, the first week she was back, to catch up with everyone and take her to lunch. When he said farewell to her outside the precinct she was so tempted to head home with him, rather than back to her office and the mountains of paperwork. Rick must have sensed her hesitation and the pain it caused her because he hadn't suggested a visit since, but even the frequent texts and photos he sent of what the two of them were up to during the day couldn't ease the tightness in her chest, the desperate need to experience those little things with them.

Kate finished and cleaned up the pump, then headed out to find Rick had served dinner for both of them. He reached to take the milk bottles from her, labelled them and stored them at the back of those already in the fridge in such a practiced move that Kate smiled at the obvious sign of their reversed stereotypical roles. Rick and her relationship had never been conventional, and that certainly hadn't changed with the addition of Lily. While they sat to eat, she told him about her day, the cases that she thought might interest him, and asked for details on the photos he had sent her.

After dinner, Rick obligingly pulled out his phone and showed her the hundred or so other photos he'd taken that day, many of them close-ups of Lily's face with a variety of expressions, some obviously copied from Rick. Then there were a couple of Lily in the cot, the morning sunlight in the nursery suggesting it was either before or after her morning nap. Rick then explained that he had put Lily down on her back, but had come in to pick her up, and she was on her tummy, reaching towards the stuffed elephant that was a gift from Alexis, and her current favorite bed mate.

"She rolled over?" Kate asked, and the shock in her voice had Rick snapping his head up from the phone.

"Yes, I guess so. I am pretty sure I put her down to sleep on her back." He was obviously trying to minimise the event, but the damage was done.

"Rick, I wasn't here for her first roll! What else am I going to miss while I am at work?"

"Kate, I didn't see it either. Maybe I actually put her down on her tummy. You won't miss too much, I will call and send you photos like I have been, and I can take video as well."

"But I won't be _here_ , Rick! What about her first word, her first step, her first tooth..." Kate couldn't speak any more, her throat clogged with sobs. As she tried to continue, she was just getting more upset as she recalled her own mom missing some of her sports games and music recitals because work was too busy, and how Johanna was obviously upset for having missed those moments. The attention Kate got to make up for Johanna missing important events was great, but there was no way to bring back the experiences that had been missed.

* * *

Rick could see how upset Kate was, so he moved right over to her side and draped his arm around her. "Hush, love, it'll be alright, we'll make sure you don't miss anything major."

"But..." she gasped in a breath, "Mom..." Kate's sobs were getting worse, and Rick feared she may have a panic attack. They had been few and far between since Lily was born, luckily, but both of them knew to look out for the signs, and Rick could see that while Kate was trying to calm herself down, she wasn't having any success. He lifted her from the table and held her tightly, and rubbed his hand up and down her back in a soothing gesture. He also continued murmuring reassurances into her ear as he slowly walked her to their bedroom, helped her to get ready for bed, and tucked her in. By this time her breathing had almost returned to normal, but she still clung to him, and his shirt was damp.

"It will be okay, Kate. We will make it okay. Whatever it takes."

He repeated this like a mantra as he held her close, gently stroking her back and shoulder, not in passion but in comfort. He couldn't help but compare Kate's reaction to Meredith's, that being his only other experience of a new mother at close range. Meredith was more than happy to leave all the care of Alexis to him, while she focussed all her attention on getting her career back on track. Not once had he seen any sort of remorse or guilt on Meredith's face, in fact she wasn't even that interested in spending time with her daughter until she was old enough to take shopping.

Kate had clearly loved Lily from the moment they found out about her, and when the newborn had been placed in her arms Rick could tell, even through his own happy tears, that Kate would do anything for their daughter. She was as reluctant as he was to let the rest of their extended family hold her, her hands twitching at her side the whole time. And their first three months at home, while a blur of feedings and changings and short snatched naps in the main, were absolute bliss. And then one night over dinner Kate had mentioned going back to work.

Rick had known Kate intended to return to work after Lily was born, they had discussed it before she had put in her maternity leave request. He had no problem with her doing it, after all, her determination was one of the things that attracted him to her in the first place. And he knew her well enough that she would never turn into a stay-at-home mom, even though his wealth meant there was no need for her to work again if she didn't want to. He had just hoped in his heart of hearts that she would choose to stay home. Still, whatever Kate chose to do, he would be by her side and supporting her as much as she would let him.

* * *

Kate had calmed and fallen asleep with Rick's assistance, but after Lily's next feed she just couldn't seem to return to slumber. She thought about the first three months after Lily's birth, and the cocoon their little family had established. Despite the idyllic lifestyle, Kate knew it couldn't continue, that eventually she would have to go back to work. She knew Rick was wealthy, but there was no way she wanted to live off his money, and give credence to the small but vocal part of his fans who still saw her as a gold digger. And with Rick taking on the lion's share of baby duties, she felt out of control, like she was just drifting along, and that was a feeling that she couldn't allow to dominate. So, she had decided to return to work early, where she was comfortable and in charge. But now, seeing what she was missing out on by doing that, she was second guessing herself.

After Johanna's death, Kate thought for a long time she wouldn't have children, a family of her own, and she had – or thought she had – come to terms with that by the time she had met Castle. The closest she had come was with Will Sorenson, but when he left to pursue his career in Boston without her, that dream faded unmourned. Even in the early stages of her relationship with Castle, she couldn't see herself as a mother, and as he already had a daughter, she didn't think he minded. Now, with the reality of their miracle baby she was stunned to realize she _wanted_ to be a mother, and to perhaps have more babies, once she could get herself into some sort of routine, anyway. She suddenly wanted to give Rick a son, could easily imagine a mini version of her husband running around the loft with mischief twinkling in his eyes.

Could she do that, though, and leave Rick to do most of the child care, as he was with Lily? He still had his own job to do, and while it was much more flexible in terms of location and working hours, she knew it was in ways as gruelling as hers could be. She would never forgive herself if he gave up writing, and of course his fans would just have more fodder against her. Seriously, some of the trolls were already into her for returning to work after the birth, even though they had not made details about Lily public. Knowing what it felt like when her own mother missed out on her milestones, and now having experienced it herself as a working mother, Kate didn't want to have any more regrets, or for her own children to miss out on their mother's love and presence. Before Lily was born, she couldn't imagine this feeling of parental guilt, but now she understood all too well, and realised that she couldn't continue the way she was, leaving home every day for the precinct and coming home of an evening, seeing photos and messages of her husband and daughter getting on with their lives without her. Having experienced both options now, she had to make a permanent decision that considered not just her needs and wants, but those of Rick and Lily as well. Her final thought, and the one that helped her finally relax enough to sleep, was that she didn't have to make this decision on her own. Rick would be there with her, helping as he had always been. This was a joint decision for the benefit of their family, and she looked forward to resolving it with him.


End file.
